Just kids with big dreams

In the past months while I was revising for my As, i got to know a new friend whom i really admire.
Lets call him A. A is a really down-to-earth guy, yet he is driven by huge dreams.

Was having a conversation with him, and it was as though he brings out a side of me that I was never really sure existed. It gives me a sense of affirmation that there is someone out there whose dreams resonates with mine.

We both aspire to make the world, our world, a better place than it currently is.
Bold, quixotic, somewhat laughable; yet I so wish that we both never lose sight of our dreams.

Because I believe it is our dreams that will drive us through tough times.
Knowing that whatever struggle you are going through now, you will end up one step closer to your dream.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




On a separate note, nearing the end of my A levels, I feel this acute sense of emptiness in me.
I no longer have books to keep me busy, or good grades to give me that transient sense of happiness.

I feel desolate and bereft, I know what i'm missing,
Yet i can't muster the courage to even try...

Someday, I will.

There's a sadness to the ecstasy

Except...where is the ecstasy 

Intelligence is a double-edged sword, it can be that x-factor that propels someone to be greater heights; or, it can be that virus that breeds complacency in us.

The latter was to be the case for me. Being called 'smart' and 'clever' for basically the entire of my childhood made me perceive myself to be 'better than the rest'. I had this inclination that I was gifted and could achieve what I want easily. Unfortunately, this way of thinking was to have a serious detriment to my learning during my teenage years.

I was complacent, lazy, everything. In secondary school, i failed so many exams, but i still had this illusion that i was 'smart'. I would remind myself that 'I'm in a good school, the paper is tougher, it's okay to fail'.

And so this naive nature of mine accompanied me for my entire teenhood.

It was only in my final year in PJC, I grew out of my stupid thinking. Being placed in the bottom rungs of the bell curve (or rather, the extreme left of the bell curve) was the best thing to happen to me. I realised I was a horrible student and I wanted to become a better student. I tried to change but failed, succeeded, and failed again, but I never gave up or become complacent after I made progress. Which is why I am so thankful to PJC and the teachers here, they alerted me of my wrongdoings, persistently, and i guess it eventually got into my head.

In PJ, there is no elitist mentality (or i would like to think so), instead, the school advocates sheer hard work and down-to-earth learning. Sure, students with good grades can commended occasionally, but I see it as inspiration to others, instead of an act of favouritism.


Now i'm in the midst of my A-levels, and i realised it's not such a big thing after all. Whatever the grades that I will receive next March, I would like to think that I did well.

so i'm stuck here, 4 days before my A Levels General Paper exam, wondering how I should be revising for my A Level General Paper exam.

this is definitely the paper that i feel absolutely debilitated by and helpless about,
which ironically is the subject that i've consistently performed well for.

honestly, GP is definitely more exigent for a science student, than say, for an arts student.
in science, or at least in A-Level 'textbook science', the subject often enjoins students to adopt a one-dimensional approach, to KNOW and ACCEPT how things work, (be it through understanding or by sheer memory), and then accurately replicate and regurgitate it in exams. I know it is far too hasty to generalise that all schools advocate this, but it is safe to say that this modus operandi is the most effective in gaining highest marks for an archetypal science exam. note that i'm referring to Science as a standardized exam subject, and not research-level science.

however, GP is a multifaceted, inexhaustible and limitless subject, which requires us take a multi-directional approach, to adopt an independent mind, and to show personal voice through our writings.

as such, being a science student, i find it extremely difficult to switch between my 'arts brain' and my 'science brain'. everytime i'm revising for my GP, i feel like i'm suddenly forced to think independently, without the aid of textbooks, guidebooks and answer keys.

which is why i find the job of a GP teacher both perplexing and admirable at the same time. How does one teach a student to be an independent thinker? doesn't the idea of teaching/learning imply some form of reliance that the student must have on the teacher?




perhaps i've just found out how to revise for my GP exam.

do you remember?

numb

So tmr marks the start of my JC2 Prelims exams.

what a year it has been
never has there been so much change in my life, or rather i was forced to change with the evolving circumstances.
but i am so glad, i am no longer stuck in that incertitude of nothingness.
although that tinge of insecurity and fear of failure still occasionally plague me
the best thing is still to numb myself from them, and continue making strides towards where i wanna be.


come what may.

limbo

i'm running circles
but still end up at the same spot

what do i have to do
to take me where i want to be


i am just lacking way too much